boo, love sucks

sup yo beeyotches and bastards. im here again, and as usual, with a problem to blog about and those who sibei heng chance upon this blog, you guys got my bottom-of-my-heart words.

alright, so this time it’s something extremely unusual, i even wrote a song about it, gonna post the lyrics up on the other blog soon, but still its about, yeah it’s the usual overrated love. i just feel like everything is worthless. love, especially. i’m holding onto something not very worthy of my love, okay maybe yes he is worth it, but are all these painful moments? afterall, i’m like frigging 15 turning 16 in months to come, so what if we get together? so what!?

not like we can openly get together and walk around orchard road holding hands, kissing each other and eating with each other’s families. not like we can just get together and forget about damn education. not that he can become the prince and ride on a white horse and i can be the bloody princess sitting on the tree waiting for the dude on the stinking horse to come get me down. oh wthell am i babbling about. not like he loves me as much as i love him. not like i’m not gonna meet more guys in the future. not like he’s sooo damn perfect.

i am truly exhausted in this, it’s tiring, shame for hope, hope for shame. cliche cliche, i want someone to love me for who i am. i dont wanna be her or be lil miss damn-good. i have my kinda obnoxious attitude and crazy and unglam moments, can he love me for that? oh yeah maybe can, i’m like digressing lah.

in short, i’m sick of being there. i’m sick of being ‘oh dont be so damn depressed and get out from your shithole and im always oh-so-dammit here.’ bah, i know im a hypocrite. okay not that i dont wanna be there, i wanna be there for him, from the bottom of my heart i do care! really, but its just when you care so much for one person, but you don’t really see much from him, okay maybe there was something he did, maybe there was. okay, don’t come talk to me about what agape/unconditional love, mi no God, its not easy to love someone and expect NOTHING at all, you’ll at least expect like an appreciation from the person. right? right.

ahya nabei la, i love him la i still do la okayokayokayokayokayoakyoakyoakyoakyoakyokay. but i cant hold it any longer. grr.

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love is overrated

alright. love is overrated. i am blogging with a lower set of teeth full of metal shit. HAhahah and i effing hate the fact that its not easy to get the bloody food stuck out. its disgusting, i dont wanna walk around with a shitload of food stuck on my braces, i’ve seen ppl around with it. just grosses the shit outta me.

Josh’s off to taiwan, one less person to harass. bah whatev.

alright so as i was saying, love is overrated. it’s time to put the past where it’s supposed to be. Thank God for him, Thank God for him. so now i just gotta focus on God and be sure not to slip in again. love is overrated for me now. i guess. yeah.

i wanna go cut hair. this private blog is stupid. alright, let me state one lil idiotic secret here to fill this “private blog” with “private” stuff. HAHAHA. alright. here goes.

DAWN’S MIDDLE NAME IS CUTE. BAHAHAHA.

paradoxxxx

yellow, its been way long since i last drop by here. things are still shitty. i just crap btw, it was great. my stomach was hurting like mad just now.

alright so. here’s what i had saved in my drafts last night but i didn’t really dare to post it up on blogspot ’cause y’know there are actually human souls reading my blogspot. i wonder if there’s anyone here but i doubt so. hence its pretty safe to blog anything over here, but ohgawd, this blog was once made known to public, so if someone so happened to chance upon this secret blog, please stfu.

im listening to holiday now, holiday reminds me of him. he’s so cute. teehee. omgwtf. i swear i’ll be faithful to my other man. Lol. wtf?

You’re never happy and I don’t know why. You break my heart just because you’re feeling lonely. You act like you’re alright when there’s so much bitterness and frustrations in you. You put up a false front and now I don’t understand why. Go back to where she is, clinging on in your mind is useless. Go back and know things once and for all, since you’re happier there, go.

Don’t give a shit and complain so much. Because deep in your heart she’s the reason, fuck you very much.

What am I to you?

Am I that insignificant? Why is your son much more important? Why he gets the life he wants but I don’t? Not because he’s older, I swear that’s not the reason. Because when he was the same age as me, he got his privacy. But why can’t I just have my own freedom. So what if he’s a guy and I’m a girl. Wtfeck. You mean guys won’t turn bad?

Just because he’s so quiet then you all think he’s really extremely sensible and he stays home all day facing the damn computer and you think he’s a good boy? How you know what the hell he’s doing on the computer?

WTF. You got ask him to wash dish for me or not? Everything I got to do for him, WHAT AM I? A free maid isit?

what hurts the most

what hurts the most, was being so close and having so much to say and watching u walk away.

Boy, I love you. And because I do, I let go. U hurt me so deep, but I only can watch and think. There’s a hole in my heart, you were there but u walked away and I let go. So as long you are
happy, it doesn’t matter if you hate me

The world suck

The whole world is out to piss me off today. And I am very sure about that! Like wtf is wrong with everyone? Classmates, parents. What happenedbin class today was ttm. I lost control, I yelled and quarrelled with sherman. No point elaborating. Just, he’s the classic example of a man with no balls. Enough said.

What is love?

Random thoughts just before I go to bed via my iPod baby. It occured to me that love is not about taking, this time, it’s nothing cliché anymore. This fact impacted me. I felt it, in my previous relationship, love we had was so selfish, selfcentered. Now I finally know, love is when you want to see the other person happy, when he’s happy, you’re happy. And I truly feel so, you don’t need him to be by your side or you don’t need him to belong you, so as long you see the smile on the face, there’s this weird sort of satisfaction and contentment that overwhelms you.this feeling then thrills you and all the selfish love you once need have been satisfied by the happiness of another person.

OMG, SIAO ALREADY.

OMG. CF is totally making me go crazy. I really don’t have the courage to. I really don’t. I am dying to do it, but I don’t have the courage. I am so afraid. I fear of losing. I’m telling myself to chillax but 1/2 the time, I am going bonkers.

CF is telling me not to think already and just “DO IT!” but I can’t. I can’t bring myself to do it. I cannot. I don’t want to face reality. I don’t want to be heartbroken. I DON’T WANT. I CANNOT. My heart is palpitating really fast. My mind is unclear of what I want to do. My heart is always disagreeing with my mind. My heart wants to go to the right, but my mind is not letting my heart to go to the right and is trying really hard to pull it to the left. OMGAWD.

SOMEONE PLEASE GIVE ME AN ADVICE THAT I CAN REALLY HEED!

The real me

I need to stop faking it. This mask I wear, it’s grown so thick that it’s impossible to take it off.

I may seem happy 1/2 the time, I may be noisy, I may be cheerful, I may look like I’m always happy and that nothing anyone do is going to bring me down, but this is all not true. I am hurt deep down inside. I am unhappy deep down inside. I am so disgusted with myself, disgusted that why can’t I just show my true feelings? I know when I do so, it is going to hurt other people.

I don’t want to be like this, I want to smile like I mean it, I want to laugh like I mean it. Is it because of… OHwell. I really don’t know. What’s wrong with me? Is it love again? Is it love that’s bothering me again? Or what, is it friendship? I don’t know. I guess it’s everything. I don’t want to stay away. I really don’t.  I want you to know, but it’s so hard. I’m so afraid. How do I start, where do I start.

Like when XXX told me something, I told XXX I am not mad, but am I really not mad? I seriously don’t feel mad though, but then again, what is it within me that can cause me not to be mad? I guess my heart is numb, I don’t feel anymore. I’m immune to the pain. I’m so used to, I’m so familiar with it already. At least XXX told me the truth, but WHAT is wrong with me?

Can I just scream everything out loud? What Sam told me yesterday, I think I’ve got like low self-esteem. But like wtheck, I’m a bloody proud bitch loh, but I guess deep down inside, I know I am inadequate. I know I am not good enough for you. Okay fine. HERE LOOK HERE. I think I do, I think I’ve *** ** **** **** you. But I’m confused. I think I am feeling what you are feeling. You are afraid, so am I. You are afraid of? That’s my question. I am dying to ask you. But I am guessing that you are afraid of being hurt again, which is exactly how I am feeling right now.

But now, all I can tell myself is not to think so much. To stop myself from dreaming. ‘Cause I don’t want to be disappointed by reality.